Goosed by a Married Woman
by BatmansBabe
Summary: “Soy protein isolate, sodium phosphates, dehydrated garlic, man, none of this sounds remotely healthy. No wonder we’re all morbidly obese and sickly. Like, “thiamine mononitrate” -it sounds like it could withstand a nuclear blast. Literati


Disclaimer: Own this, I do not. Very mad at me, Yoda would be, if I claimed to.

AN: I edited it very slightly…and I forgot to say this before, but it's a standalone. I'm a hopeless Literati!lover…but I write better when I don't have to plan more. And it's better as a one piece, anyway.

_GOOSED BY A MARRIED WOMAN_

He veered down the canned foods aisle, trying to escape the flash of brown hair and porcelain skin.

She'd seen him, though, he realized, when she appeared at the head of the aisle he'd hidden in and strode towards him.

He debated the merits of pretending he hadn't seen her, and just dropping his purchase (currently a box of Raisinettes…he didn't even like raisins) and walking out the door when she spoke.

"Going to ignore me again?"

He kept his eyes focused on the ingredient list on the can of chicken noodle soup in his hand, shocked to find that there was more in it than…well, chicken and noodles.

"God, this is disgusting," he began, ignoring the statement, waving the can before her while somehow managing not to look her in the eye. "Have you read what's in these?"

"You walked out in the middle of a fight and you've ignored me for two days now."

"I mean, seriously, listen to this. This is Homestyle Chicken Noodle Soup right here. This is Campbells."

"What is that anyway? I said something about spending Saturday working on the Franklin and you totally freak out on me, like it's suddenly _my _fault Paris is a freaking _Nazi!_"

"Chicken stock, enriched egg noodle…noodles is a funny word. Like, you have to pucker you lips like you're about to kiss someone. See, look; noooodles."

"And then, oh, _then_ you're on about how _I'm_ selfish and I never have any time to spare for you and I blow _you _off!"

"Niacin, Ferrous sulfate, thiamine mononitrate, riboflavin, folic acid, cooked chicken meat---which really doesn't even _look_ like chicken meat, I mean----jeez, it's all pink and chewy and beefy."

"And of course you leave in a flourish of Jess attitude---you leave _your_ apartment---which, by the way, needs some serious picking up---and I'm left up there to watch Kate Hudson kill herself. Again."

"Monosodium glutamate, beta carotine for color---what's with that? They have to _add_ ingredients so that it looks appetizing."

"And I have to be the one who gets confused looks from Luke and apologize to him. And then, you _avoid_ me for two days!"

"Soy protein isolate, sodium phosphates, dehydrated garlic, man, none of this sounds remotely healthy. No wonder we're all morbidly obese and sickly. Like, _"thiamine mononitrate" _---it sounds like it could withstand a nuclear blast. Should I even be _holding _this?"

"Two days where I got no work done because I was too busy avoiding you back and trying to figure out _why _it made you so mad that I had to go to school to work on the paper that I've been part of for three years on a Saturday, and you know what? You know what conclusion I came to? I came to _no _conclusion. It's likely you're just insane, and I'm dating a guy who should be in a white room struggling to get out of a straight jacket. Except you're Houdini, so you could get out of a straight jacket! And I was distracted, which made Paris angry, so she _cancelled _the damn meeting, so I had _nothing_ to do but THINK some more. And still, nothing!"

He set the can down on the shelf, hard, knowing that by now everyone in the store, Stars Hollowers that they were, were listening in on them, not outwardly watching but listening with Dixie cups to their ears (cheapwads, wouldn't even use glass cups).

"It was my day off! My only day off this week and you _knew_ it! And you just went ahead and didn't tell me until Thursday so that it was too late and I couldn't even pick up an extra shift because they were all taken and I had to spend all day having Kirk stare at me and ask stupid outlandish questions and make all kinds of whackjob orders! Miss Patty made a pass at me, Babette pinched my ass five times. Five times! And then I had a fight with Taylor because he put a sign advocating his stupid New Years party! It's the middle of January! You don't have New Years parties when the New Year has already passed! And then Luke railed at me for yelling at Taylor, which led to Taylor and Luke yelling, and me yelling and Kirk crying! I wanted to spend the day with my girlfriend, who, by the way, should know that this is our two month anniversary, and instead I had an Elvis Costello, _This Is Hell_ day!"

She'd been watching him rant, amusement sparkling in her eyes as he went on.

"Don't laugh! You're not allowed to laugh," he snapped when she grinned. "It's not funny."

"Babette really pinched your butt?"

"It's not funny! A married woman goosed me!"

"Five times."

"Stop it. Stop smiling. You're not allowed to smile." He tried to sound commanding, but the way her eyes lit, the way her cheeks tinged red because she was trying to hold in a laugh, he couldn't help but let the corner of his mouth tip up in what only she could interpret as a smile.

She allowed herself one girlish giggle, and then gave him a mock serious look. "I apologize for the hell you've been put through today," she deadpanned, eyes going puppy cute as she pouted slightly. "Can you ever forgive me?"

"I might feed you that can of chicken noodle soup."

"I'll deserve it. I'll take it like a man."

"That'll take all the fun out of it."

They'd been a good yard apart all through their shouting fight, but now had edged closer, to the point that she was now tilting her head the barest of inches upwards to stare into his eyes.

"So, I guess Paris is going to want to schedule another meeting so you can do the paper?"

"You were listening."

"I was reading off ingredients on a soup can, being mad that you'd forgotten what today was. Of course I was listening."

A hand traveled up to cup his jaw, and she leaned her forehead against his, conscious of the fact that they still had an audience.

"I knew it was our anniversary. I just didn't think you would. Did you have plans for today?"

He sighed. "There was a bookstore opening in New Haven and everything was half-off. I wanted to get Angels and Demons."

"Oh." She bit her lip, letting a bag of marshmallows slide from one hand to the other, making crinkling sounds and hollow noises as the marshmallows moved against each other inside the plastic bag. "What about tomorrow?"

"I'm supposed to help Luke."

She let her lips glide across his cheek, then grasped his hand, dragging him off towards the chips. "Luke can deal. I'm hogging you tomorrow."

"Oh?"

"Yes. Tonight we're eating lots of junk food and watching Willy Wonka and tomorrow I'm kidnapping you and you're driving us to the bookstore."

"That's not kidnapping."

"Hush."

"Well, it's not. If I'm driving, it's voluntary---."

As they'd walked, she'd been grabbing things and balancing them in her arms, and he noticed she no longer held his hand. He'd just followed her blindly.

"Unless I'm holding a gun to your head."

"You don't own a gun. It's voluntary, meaning it's not kidnapping."

"It is if I tell Luke he's paying for your car insurance and giving me free coffee forever, and then I threaten to have you locked in a room with Babette, if I don't get my coffee and my Jess." Jess' heart skipped a beat at the words _my Jess._

"Oh jeez, don't kid!" She dropped a box of Sour Patch Kids into his arms, and headed towards the checkout stand. "And besides, Luke already gives you a free, endless supply of coffee. You and your mom have a million dollar IOU to Luke."

She ignored it, turning one last corner to the front of the store. An annoying familiar, annoyingly tall boy stood at the register, clad in the green Doose's apron.

Rory began piling her purchases on the counter, gesturing for Jess to follow suit. "Hey Dean."

"Hey."

"How are you?"

"Oh. I'm good. Good."

"Well, that's good. How's Lyndsay?"

"Lyndsay's good too."

"Good. That's good."

"How are you?"

"Oh! I'm good. Great." She turned her eyes to him slightly as the _great_ came out, and he noticed that Dean stiffened.

"Well, that's good. Great. That's really great."

Jess resisted the urge to butt into the conversation, settling for an eye roll that did not go unnoticed by any party present. Rory turned, apparently done with small-talk.

"So, Angels and Demons?"

"Dan Brown."

"Amazing author."

"Yeah."

"Did you hear that Alice Sebold has another book out? The Lovely Bones."

Jess made a face.

"What? She's an amazing author!"

"I read Lucky, Ror. And I gotta tell ya, it's not all that and a bag of chips, And, yes, I heard. It's about a girl in heaven trying to lead her family to her body. Which has been _hacked_ to pieces."

"It's supposed to be good."

"Sorry, wrong infraction. Hacked to _pieces. _And you know what I also heard? I also heard that in the end they---."

Rory clapped hands over her ears, and began to hum. "I don't want to know!"

He just grinned, raising his hands in mock surrender, and, cautiously, she let her hands fall.

"They never find---."

She poked him in the side and he jumped, so she repeated the action, until he caught her around the middle and tickled her back. He could tell that, somewhere in the back of her mind, she was congratulating herself on tickling him, but that she was content with the here and now. She pulled away, and gave him a serious look. "Locked in a dark, enclosed space with Patty. And Babette."

He glared. "Hey. You're playing dirty."

"When do I ever play clean?"

His smirk became more pronounced, and Rory clapped a hand to her mouth. Then, she pointed a finger. "If you say a word about that statement warranting a dirty, that Babette threat will follow through!"

"Mean."

They both slid money across the counter as Dean rang up the last item, continuing their assault on one another. "Monosyllabic."

"Crazy."

"Hemingway lover!"

"Ayn Rand _nut_."

Rory gasped. "You insult me!"

"I've told you Ernest _likes_ you."

Dean pushed change in their direction, and Jess pocketed it, grabbing a bag as Rory took the other. Rory waved as she walked away, and caught up to Jess on the way to the door. Dean couldn't quite see what she did, but the next second she was streaking out the door, and Jess was recovering from a shocked jump. He glared, throwing the door open, not bothering to close it on his way out. "Hey!" he yelled as she continued down the street, and Dean distinctly heard Rory's "Hey, sugar!" as she hurried through town square. Jess rushed after her, grabbing her by the wrist as she tried to mount the steps of the gazebo, pinning her against the rail and capturing her lips in his, groceries forgotten lumps on the ground.

Patty smiled as she set her purchases down. "Ah, young love."

Dean made a face. "All they ever do is fight."

Patty chuckled. "Dean, Deanie Deanie. That's not fighting. That's passion."

"Same difference."

"No, no, no. You miss my meaning. It's like…a plum."

"What?"

"Sweet, delicious, not at all innocent."

"Still not---."

"Foreplay."

He flushed, partly out of embarrassment, partly out of anger.

"Oh."

"But you know all about that."

He coughed. "Uh, well…no. No. I really don't. Not with…"

Miss Patty's eyes bulged. "Oh my! So Jess is…"

"A nuisance."

"Her first experience with…"

Dean cut her off. "That'll be 15 dollars even."

"It says $15.24."

"Yeah, well, Jess forgot to pick up all of his change."

She handed him the money and swaggered out the door, and Dean watched as Jess dropped one last kiss on Rory's neck, before leaning down to pick up their bags. She pulled her hand into his, and fell into step beside him as they began their trek towards Luke's, arguing over something, it seemed, but with small smiles playing at their faces, amusement and happiness in their eyes.

Huh.

AN: It's been pointed out to me that not everyone understands the title. Goosed means pinched in the ass, grabbed in the ass…etc etc. Hopefully you all understand now.


End file.
